We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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