using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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