How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
