He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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