Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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