Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
