She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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