Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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