Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
