I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
