I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
