I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
