Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
