What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
