Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
