How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
