new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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