remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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