all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
