i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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