i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
