I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My feet surprised me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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