how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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