Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
