wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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