he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
