her vagine was all disorganized.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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