paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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