Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
