It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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