Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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