She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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