guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
