I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
