I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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