Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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