Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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