You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
did i just pee glitter
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
