Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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