i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
