Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
