The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
