I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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