i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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