I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
