Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
