We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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