would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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