My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
