ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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