Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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