Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
