Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
bring money and cleavage
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
