So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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