i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
